What is the objective of the technique? (Questions about the Grey Ribbon Technique)

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July 6, 2025

Questions about the Grey Ribbon Technique

What is the objective of the technique?
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Here we continue to respond to feedback (questions) about the the presentation of the Grey Ribbon Technique. See Qnum 1

Q.) On the other hand, if the primary desire is to get the person to accept the grey ribbon method of social engagement, with the possibility of eventually being able to discuss the difficult topics that have been avoided, I think a more neutral approach might be worthwhile.

Inherent in this observation is a fundamental misunderstanding and incorrect presumption about the objective of the grey ribbon technique. The feedback is very much appreciated and useful as an invitation for the clarification that is needed.

The grey ribbon management techniques grew out of a quest for an approach to manage particular types of relationship dynamics where a continuation of the relationship, at all, can only be reasonably considered to be appropriate, as opposed to self destructive, under very narrowly limited and controlled circumstances, due to the consistent toxicity and passive aggressive hostility of the individual in question, amidst their efforts to seem otherwise.

Accordingly, the grey ribbon management techniques are not proposed as a tool in service of the objective of engaging the target individuals in the dialogue suggested by the contributor. Rather, they are a tool of acknowledgment and management of the social dynamic that exists where it has been well established and demonstrated that the target individual has clearly expressed or demonstrated no intention of engaging in any such forthright communication after repeated invitations.

We are talking about people who are fundamentally hostile to you or your interests on some level while striving to appear to be supportive and appreciative. Simply put, they are two faced, and meaningfully so, in ways that cross or blur the ethical lines of honesty and fairness. They feign appreciation with supportiveness, while positioning themselves to undermine you.

Typically these people will belong to a social group that opposes or is threatened by something you are engaged in or something that you stand for, while, at the same time, feeling obliged to be seen or appear to have a more supportive relationship with you. They may actually sincerely care for you, on the one hand, while feeling threatened by you on the other hand, or fundamentally opposed to something you believe in, stand for, or are likely to reveal, perhaps about them, their group, or perhaps about the legitimacy of beliefs they hold dear and emotionally or socially depend on.

Most of us know the experience of caring for someone, personally, while disagreeing with them about something that is meaningful.

A Republican might love a Democrat on an individual level, while being fundamentally opposed to some parts of the Democrat's ideology. A Mormon might love a family member who has left the church, believing it to be a fraud, while feeling compelled to undermine the credibility of their Ex-Mormon family member in the interest of contributing to the Church's mission of "spreading the gospel" which is interpreted by all to many to include aggressive efforts to hide or obfuscate truths that are an embarrassment or inconsistent with official Church narratives.

Some Mormons might feel motivated to undermine those who are inclined to share such things as a prophylactic (preventative) measure against the possibility their children or prospective converts might be dissuaded in their beliefs because of the credibility of the critic or the critic's presentations.

A former spouse might feel socially obliged to keep up the appearance of respectful and kindly interactions with their "Ex", for the sake of the kids, while actually engaging in subtle efforts to undermine the "Ex" in the minds and hearts of the kids, in order to garner support or to prophylactically destroy the credibility of the "Ex" as a preventative measure against the eventuality that the kids might believe an embarrassing revelation about the one who feels threatened for precisely that reason.

Loving someone we disagree with, or being loved by someone who disagrees with us, is not a new dynamic. These dynamics can and often are easily managed with mutual respect, honesty, and forthright communications.

Unfortunately, not everyone chooses to be forthright and fair. Notions of ideological, spiritual, or social superiority often have people justifying behavior, even towards their "loved ones" that crosses serious ethical lines of justice and social responsibility. Where outright shunning is not socially defensible in a modern world, secret shunning in the forms of topical shunning and economic shunning with plausible deniability are often employed. They are forms of social abuse that are common and widespread in the social repertoire of the members of cults.

Your family member may well "love you" and want to contribute to efforts to see to it that you don't starve to death, because that is socially required of them.... but this does not necessarily mean they want to see you succeed. They may be all too willing to give you a charitable handout, in a time of need, while hoping and actually contributing through backstabbing dialogue to the improbability of your success, beyond survival, for fear of what any increase in your social stature might bring.

These are painful realizations to come to grips with about someone we love and whose love for us was once a meaningful part of our lives. This is a large part of the angst Ex-Mormons, Ex-Spouses, and Ex-Patriots experience. However, understanding and accepting the painful realities about how certain relationships have devolved, and making appropriate adjustment, is a required element of emotional maturity and social survival.

This, then, is why the grey ribbon management techniques are not an invitation to "accept a method of social engagement" as suggested by the contributor. Rather, they are a method of managing the reality that respectful social engagement has been declined and consistently avoided amidst a cloud of duplicitous or feigned affection or appreciation.

The grey ribbon is an acknowledgment of a form of social abandonment that has already occurred. Hopes that this acknowledgment might trigger reconsideration may well rise up when the acknowledgment is made. Any such efforts after reconsideration should be welcomed and respected. We do not, however, recommend that they should be the anticipated outcome of this method.

The pain of false hope, has done enough damage. The grey ribbon techniques are a tool of release and acceptance. In the spirit of eastern philosophical traditions, they are a tool of non-attachment applicable to letting go of the painful attachment to the false hope that someone who engages in the behaviors and avoidances described above, can ever or will ever really love you in a profoundly meaningful and deeply supportive way.

The love that people such as these may express is superficial and sentimental, at best. That much can be appreciated and enjoyed. It will never be more than that, until they grow to recognize their manipulations and duplicity for what they are and find the strength to acknowledge them as such in the transition to a better relationship. We do not advise any further attachment to such hopes. This epiphany must be left to the care of the universe. They will never learn it from us amidst the inferiority they must see us with.

See also: Teal Swan on Gas Lighting

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